26 Things to be Thankful For

Alcohol – well, duh…

Brainiacs – the kind that invent shit like smoke detectors, contact lenses, and Geiger counters

Clouds – because they can create a bazillion separate snowflakes

Donuts – with sprinkles, not jelly and certainly not pudding

Etiquette – and its occasional appearance

French fries – for obvious reasons

Grappa – because you can’t drink real kerosene

Heartbreak – and the lessons that come from it

Income tax – because it means I have an income

Journals – the kind into which you can cast your angst

Kangaroos – because they have pouches. Pouches!

Lumpy gravy – proof that it’s homemade

Miley Cyrus – for making sledgehammer licking sexy again

Narcissism – because it’s fun to watch (see above)

Opportunities – because knocking matters

Pimples – for their ability to keep it real

Quagmire – meaning a swamp, not an awkward situation

Rainbows – but only for the accompanying unicorn

Sliced bread – because it’s the greatest thing since unsliced bread

Tympanic membranes – so I can hear things like laughter and kittens and chainsaws

Ukuleles – because, when I was eight, I sang a Don Ho song with my cousins and we totally rocked it

Victory parades – for obvious reasons

Walter White – for allowing us to fully appreciate bad-assery

Xerces Society – because invertebrates are really freckin’ cool

Yes – Best. Word. Ever.

Zydeco – “the snap beans aren’t salty” – but the accordions are


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